Another Day in Teufort
by MystravenPsYcHo
Summary: Some pretty weird crap happens in Teufort. The Demoman tells these stories to a mysterious person. Rated T for slight gore, language and safety. I do not own any companies, products, etc. featured in this story. Some slash later, nothing dirty.
1. Tavish Degroot

Tavish Degroot (aka Demoman) sat in an uncomfortable chair, the kind of fold-out chair that you set up when you have too many guests over and they take up all the decent seats, and even though you set them up nobody actually sits in them and everybody chooses to cram into the couch, so now you've got like 9 people on one couch so the cushions will never be the same again. Tavish squirmed a little; trying to find a comfortable position, but failed.

"So, ye want to hear 'bout me time as a mercenary?" he asked the person in front of him.

"Yes, start from the beginning, if you don't mind." The person nodded its head, it was sitting in a shadow, and it kept writing stuff down on a clipboard.

"Nah, I don't mind," he scratched his chin, "it all started 'bout 11 years ago…"

~0~

Loch Ness 'bout 11 years ago

~0~

Tavish set up his several pounds of dynamite, preparing to blast a mythical beast out of the lake. Just before he was able to completely destroy a landmark, a small letter with an ornate seal floated down in front of him. He walked over and picked it up; it had his name on it. He looked up, trying to find out where it came from, but there was nothing around except for him and a curious squirrel who was nibbling at the fuse.

Inside the letter was a request for him to use his explosives expertise to protect Reliable Excavation and Demolition from the evil Builders League Unlimited, then it said the amount of money he would receive for his hard work. Pretty straightforward, suspiciously straightforward, but the pay that was listed was horrifyingly huge. The sheer amount of zeros was incredible.

~0~

Present

~0~

"Then they shipped me out ta New Mexico, and introduced me ta the rest of the boys." Tavish sighed, and cracked a smile, "Bunch of nut jobs they were."

"Tell me more about them."

"Well, first ya got Scout; a fast as a bunny, the only thing quicker than 'im was his mouth. I'm pretty sure that he was just around to annoy us." Tavish grinned, "Next was Soldier, he was the craziest of all of us. Then there's Pyro, strangest beast I've encountered. One moment he's the most horrifyin' thing you've ever seen, and then he's as tame as a puppy!"

"Those are the 'Offense' correct?"

"Yep."

"You were a 'Defense', right?"

"Aye, along with Heavy and Engineer."

"Heavy?"

"Heavy weapons guy, but that's a mouthful; he was a wall of pure Russian fury, but had a soft spot for sandwiches and small animals. Not too bright either."

"And the Engineer?"

"Ah, probably the most sane of us all, smartest too. Then again he did cut off his own hand and 'upgrade' it…"

"Excuse me… he did what?"

"He replaced his hand with a robot one."

"Okay… moving on." The person shook their head, "Lastly is the 'Support', correct?"

"U'huh, those three were the strangest people I've met, with an exception for Pyro. First is Spy, was always going on 'bout his sophistication and crap, but on the battlefield he had as much tact as a 12 year old! Always had this ski-mask on too. Second is the Medic… oh boy, this guy was sadistic, crazy, and the last person ye'd trust with yer innards, but for some reason _we_ trusted him. Last is the Sniper, poor lad…" Tavish leaned back a bit.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nah, I'll get to that later. Anyway, he considered himself a 'professional' but he had severe anger issues and was incredibly naïve when it came to dealin' with people. Musta been all those years alone…" Tavish was deep in thought for a moment, "So that's the team."

"Okay, tell me about your first day…"

~0~

RED Base

~0~

Tavish awkwardly lugged his suitcase up to his room, it was kind of like moving into your first college dorm, only with more explosives and your roommates are psychotic mercenaries. The base itself wasn't the most structurally sound building ever, seeing as it was speckled with patch work; a result of a previous battle.

He got to his room, he knew it was his because of a crude drawing of a bomb etched into the wooden surface. He was about to open it, but a random blur smacked into him. The human-shaped projectile turned out to be the Scout, who was rushing to his room which was just next door to his.

Once he was safely inside his room, he unpacked his crap; the room was pretty nice, there wasn't any patchwork, and he had the room closest to the bathroom. He just hoped the human bullet next door didn't snore or have night terrors.

After he got his stuff set up he hiked downstairs to the mess-hall. Everyone else had just arrived too, and they were all still off getting settled in. Tavish figured that he'd make dinner for tonight; because, why not?

Soon the base was filled with the smell of food. Nothing else; just food. No in-detail description of said food. It was just food. Then all the guys got together and ate that food. They argued a bit, there were at least five fistfights, and I'm pretty certain someone lost a tooth. Otherwise, it was a pretty good night.

~0~

Present

~0~

"After that we went to sleep, and the next day we fought. Nothin' much happened until the third day."

"What happened?"

"Let's just say some bizarre stuff happened there. Before I tell ye what happened, just remember that this is not even the bottom of the barrel…"


	2. Sewers

It was just another day in Teufort. Medic's doves were singing, the sun was ruthlessly beating down on the desert, and a battle had just ended in a tremendous loss for the BLU team. The strategy involved blowing stuff up, it was a really brilliant and well thought out plan!

The RED team was piling into the common room while Pyro cooked dinner. It was all normal until a loud howl pierced through everyone's ears.

"What on Earth was that crap?!" Scout shouted, his ears were ringing. It was like when you wake up to your alarm clock, but you're too tired to move, so you just let it ring but then you finally get up because you're starting to lose any bit of sanity you have, and you end up late to work.

Now, a normal person would have taken a gun when investigating it, they brought five guns, a flamethrower, and a box-full of grenades. At least they were protected. They followed the sound of the howl to the sewers.

"I ain't goin' down there! Hardhat, you go!"

"No way, boy. I don't feel like getting eaten today."

"Leetle men are cowards, we all go."

"Heavy is right, if we split up we'll eventually all die, like in the movies." Soldier stated in his it's-a-fact voice, "Now once we get down there, we'll split up into groups of three and search every crevice of that goshdarn sewer." *note, he may or may not have said 'goshdarn'*

So they split up, Heavy, Medic and Sniper took the left tunnel, Soldier, Engineer, and Scout took the middle tunnel, and Spy, Demo, and Pyro took the right tunnel.

(left tunnel)

"Doktor?"

"Yes?"

"What do you think howl was?"

"Probably a dying animal." Medic shrugged.

"Never heard an animal like that before." Sniper was sharpening his kukri as he walked through the poo tunnel of doom towards almost certain death.

"Maybe it is leetle BLU Spy, playing another trick."

Before anyone could respond, the tunnel was filled with an unearthly screech. The three had to cover their ears, or else they'd probably start bleeding.

"Who's there!?" Heavy called out once the screech stopped.

No answer.

"If it's BLU Spy…" he threatened, but there was no response.

"Do we keep goin'?" Sniper asked, willing to leave whatever was down there alone, not that he was scared or anything...

"Yes, we must silence this thing. We shall keep its pelt as trophy and hang it on wall!" Heavy revved up Sasha (his minigun) and continued to follow the tunnel.

(right tunnel)

Demoman wasn't comfortable being stuck with two masked lunatics, but his curiosity caused him to ignore it. He had always enjoyed the paranormal, and if he was able to capture I whatever this was, he'd become famous. He smiled at the thought.

"Hyy Dmo?" Pyro poked him on the back, forcing him out of his thoughts. "Wtt du yu thnk ss mkng tuh nuzz?"

"Hmm… Not sure, maybe a ghost, probably not sasquatch…" He scratched his chin, "Might just be a banshee…"

"Sasquatch? Ghosts?" Spy raised an eyebrow, he wasn't having too much fun down in the smelly sewers of uncouth-ness, maybe insulting someone would help. "You actually believe in that stuff?"

"Ye don't?"

"Of course not, those are only stories you tell children to get them to behave."

Demoman began laughing so hard his eye began to water, but before Spy could say something else, a faint screech was heard from further down the tunnel, and a bit to the left.

"Du yuh thnk we shd guu fnd it?" Pyro was perfectly okay with leaving, as fast as possible, then blowing up the sewer.

"Of course lad!" Demoman slapped Pyro on the back, "Don't worry, we've got weapons. Ye'll be safe!"

(middle tunnel)

"Ugh, this place reeks." Scout complained, "When do we kill this thing and get outta here?"

"As soon as we find it!" Soldier was almost as excited as Demoman; he loved destroying stuff "We'll teach that thing the consequences of screaming in **our **sewers!"

They heard a screech from somewhere forwards and to the left.

"W-what the heck was that?" Scout shuddered.

"Our target!" Soldier grinned psychotically, "Let's get 'em boys!"

Engie and Scout jogged after Soldier as he charged through the tunnel towards the source of the sound.

(left tunnel)

The three stooges approached the source of the cry, which was hunched over in a corner. It was in the shape of a young girl. Its skin was a sickly grey color, and was obviously rotting. Its hair was stringy, and probably hadn't been washed in, like, a month. It, unfortunately, wasn't wearing clothes, so our _lucky_ mercenaries got to see every inch of rotting, slimy, filthy skin. It had hollow spaces where eyes should have been in said holes were an eerie red glow; otherwise its face was pretty human looking. Its arms were unnaturally long, and ended in long, sharp, yellow fingernails. It smelled sort of like an old t-shirt you drop in the back of your closet, and when you discover it years later, it's got holes and stuff in it, and you can only assume it's been keeping a family of moths alive all this time, not to mention all the mold, mildew, and other stuff that's attached to it.

The thing let out a very, very high pitched screech, and started attacking Heavy by flailing its arms at him. A strange, but surprisingly effective tactic; Heavy was covered in scratches before he was able to fire Sasha. When he was able to fire, the bullets sunk into the attacker's skin, and a boiling black liquid poured out. It let out another screech as it collapsed into a puddle of ooze.

"What…" Medic, who was hiding (bravely) behind Heavy with Sniper, was just starting to comprehend what happened.

"I do not know…" Heavy leaned over to inspect the leftover sludge.

"That it?" Sniper looked around, he was almost disappointed by this anticlimactic turn of events; luckily Soldier charged in to make everything more interesting.

"Where is it?!" Medic had to duck as Soldier swung his gun around.

"It is dead." Heavy pointed to the puddle.

Soldier was visibly disappointed; he **really** wanted to shoot something.

"Do not worry, you can shoot leetle BLU's tomorrow." Heavy patted him on the back, "But for now, we wait for the rest of team."

Once the team regrouped, they made their way back up. Demoman was the last one out; he was still inspecting the ooze. He couldn't shake the feeling that he'd seen it before. Before he was able to investigate further, he was forced to leave with the rest of his team so he wouldn't get lost.

~0~

Present

~0~

"Wait, so you just left?" the person asked, "You didn't investigate at all?"

"Aye, that's my team for ya. Only care 'bout the solution, nothin' else." Tavish laughed, "Came back to bite us in the rear a week later…"


	3. Cold

It was just another day in Teufort. There had already been fifteen arguments, seven fistfights, and a fractured collarbone; all outside of battle. The battle itself had ended in a stalemate, and the sun was setting over the blood stained battlefield. Everyone had finished dinner and was now off doing whatever. This (relative) peace could not last long; seeing as everyone had some form of mental illness.

"LEETLE BABY IS DEAD!" Heavy roared as he charged through the rec room.

"Holycrapholycrapholycrap!" Scout repeated multiple times as he tried his best to avoid the speeding Russian.

Heavy chased Scout around the base, cause tremors as he ran and plowing over several (already battered) pieces of furniture. Nobody was 100% sure how this started, but it involved noodles… lots and lots of noodles… and an enchilada! Also; Heavy was covered in Swiss cheese.

"Neanderthals…" Spy rolled his eyes at his teammate's immature behavior, "I can think of no one more uncivilized than those two."

"Hey Spy, have you seen Medic?" Soldier tapped Spy on the shoulder after appearing out of nowhere, he had a traffic cone lodged in his knee, "I got a traffic cone in my knee."

Spy stood in shock, he wanted to ask, but then he realized that this was _Soldier_, so he just gave him directions. After that; he locked himself in his room and took a nap, for some unknown reason; he was developing one heck of a migraine.

~0~

12:13, cause that's when paranormal stuff happens… right?

~0~

Spy woke up to use the restroom, and snuck through the darkened hallway. As he passed Soldier's quarters he activated his cloak because Soldier didn't let anyone have any unapproved bathroom breaks after 12 AM, because that's when ghosts start coming out. Nobody ever obeyed no matter how many times Soldier tried to enforce this rule.

Once he got to the restroom; he noticed a thick fog rolling out from under the door. No doubt one of his idiot teammates left the shower running. He opened the door, and he was right, someone had left the faucet on. He rolled his eyes and turned it off, then went to relieve himself. As he dropped his pants, he noticed a person under the sink in a fetal position.

"Who are you?!" he asked, his face became red as he quickly pulled up his britches.

"So cold… It won't go away…" the raspy voice called out.

"What the…" Spy did what every sane person in this situation would do, approach it!

The huddled mass was shivering, even though the bathroom was filled to the brim with scalding hot steam. "I wish… I had a coat…"

"Hey, why are you in the bathroom?" Spy got closer to the thing, and it began to look more and more like a young girl; only the skin was an unearthly shade of blue and several bits of skin were frostbitten, she was obviously malnourished, and her hair was shaved off completely.

It looked up at him, its eyes were nonexistent, and in the hollows was one small red dot each. "Will you be my coat?" it rasped.

"What the-?!" Spy suddenly froze, unable to control his own body. The thing stood up, toe to toe with Spy, and jammed its hands into Spy's chest. The bones cracked as she forced them apart. After a suitable sized hole was made, she crawled inside.

"Not warm enough…" it rasped, "We must find… More warmth…" Spy began walking throughout the base, barely alive and unconscious.

~0~

Medbay, about fifteen minutes later

~0~

Soldier had dragged everyone into the Medbay, he had seen what happened to Spy because he hid a hidden camera in the restroom, and after hearing a noise, checked the video feed from it. Luckily he was smart enough to take the recording with him to help 'persuade' his teammates to obey.

The Medbay was barricaded with generic hospital objects, like a broken nuclear reactor and a gun from a tank. Soldier was currently taking roll.

"I am now taking roll!" Soldier called out as he took roll, "Scout!"

"Here…" Scout raised his arm sleepily, and then fell asleep (he was carried into the Medbay like a piece of luggage because he wouldn't wake up completely).

"Pyro!"

Pyro snored, he was wearing a sleeping cap and bunny slippers over his uniform, he even bathed in the thing.

"Demo!"

"Over here lad…" Demo was mildly annoyed.

"Heavy!"

"Da…" Heavy was leaning against the barricade (I'm assuming that he was part of the barricade).

"Engie!"

Engie just grunted.

"Medic!"

Medic just shot him one of his this-better-be-important-or-I-will-cut-you glares.

"Sniper!"

Silence.

"Ugh… where's Snipes?" Scout gained a bit of consciousness.

"I think he sleeps in the barracks." Medic sighed, "I bet that idiot is dead already…"

"Who goes to check?" Scout rubbed his eyes.

"Eh, I've got experience with ghosties, I'll go." Demo shook his head as he stood up, "Who wants ta come?"

"I'll go!" Soldier leapt at the opportunity, "Medic will come too!"

"What?" Medic glared at Soldier.

"Your job is to keep us from being dead!" Soldier grinned and grabbed Demo and Medic by their collars, then pulled out his rocket launcher and gracefully rocket jumped through the ceiling to the barracks. They all were all unscratched because the magical aura of American-ness that Soldier emitted decided that they should live for the moment.

The barracks were covered in a strange black goo; it bubbled slightly and smelled of sulfur. It was the same goo from a few weeks ago.

"What on Earth…?" Medic poked some of the ooze and it hissed like a very annoyed cat.

"Well… this is…" Demoman turned on the lights and the ooze began boiling harder. "Really… disgustin'!"

"Forget it, let's just find Sniper and get out of here." Soldier was completely oblivious to the goo.

They wandered through the barracks until they found Spy lying on the floor with a huge, empty hole in his chest. Medic turned the medigun on him, and he healed up all nice and fancy, but was still unconscious.

"That thing couldn't have gotten far." Demo said to Soldier as he heaved Spy over his shoulder.

They walked through the barracks, and the farther they got, the less goo there was. When they finally got to where Sniper was supposedly sleeping, there wasn't a speck of the stuff. The sleeping bag Sniper generally slept in was empty.

"Where'd that idiot go?" Medic huffed.

"Hey look!" Soldier ran over to a closet and flung the door open, he was met by a kukri to the head (luckily he was wearing a helmet, so it really didn't do anything). Sniper was standing in the closet covered with the black goo.

"Oh thank God you're here, that thing won't leave!" Sniper sighed in relief when he recognized his teammates.

"What happened, lad?" Demoman asked.

"Spoi ran down the hall, but he didn't insult me so I knew somethin' was up. I followed him a bit, and when he noticed me 'is chest bloody exploded and this little kid ran out!" Sniper wiped some of the goop off. "Then the little kid starts babblin' 'bout the cold and tries to stab me in the chest! I got away, but-"


	4. Usupel

~0~

Medbay

~0~

"I wonder if they're dead yet…" Scout muttered.

"Nah, they'll be back any minute." Engineer was doodling a very detailed picture of a truck with a turret on the roof.

"What do you think they're doing?" Scout stretched his legs out.

"Probably on their way back now."

~0~

Barracks

~0~

"Crapcrapcrapcrap!" Soldier said as he stomped on the thing's head, mashing it into a pulp and leaving the frostbitten body twitching on the floor in a puddle of black ooze. Once it was good and dead Soldier decided to stop.

"What on Earth is zat thing?!" Medic poked the corpse with his foot.

"Some sort'a zombie, maybe?" Demo set Spy down on the floor and kneeled down next to the corpse.

"Maybe it's a trick; the BLUs could be behind this." Soldier kicked it, flipping it over.

"I doubt that." Medic rolled his eyes, that was Soldier's go to explanation for everything.

Then the corpse began swelling and bulging. The group started backing up slowly as it started making a gurgling noise.

"What on Earth…" Soldier lifted his helmet slightly so he could get a better view (why he doesn't do that all the time is beyond me).

The corpse was swollen as much as it could and burst; splashing black goo all over the barracks, coating the group in the foul-smelling ooze (except Medic, who dived behind the Soldier, bravely avoiding the goop).

"Eeugh!" Sniper wiped some goop off his chest, "What the heck was that?"

Demoman was deep in thought, he knew this goop from somewhere… "USUPEL*!" Demoman suddenly cried out.

"U-what?" Soldier lifted his helmet a bit.

"Usupel, that's what they are!" Demoman clapped his hands together, "I knew I'd remember!"

"What are you talking about?"

"***Usupel, the skin-wearers." Demoman noticed the rest of his team, "It's said that when a young maiden dies unjustly by the fault of a man, they are revived, but they keep injuries and illnesses from when they died." Demoman paused for a breath, "They stay in chronic suffering, and they wander the world, using people's bodies in hopes of curing whatever ails them."

"That sounds…" Soldier let his helmet slide back into place, "Really… Stupid!"

"Hey, I don' make these up."

"Whatever, how do we kill them?"

"Well, ya seemed ta kill that one just fine." Demoman gestured to the fine layer of goop surrounding them. "But I guess yer askin' how to prevent them from comin'."

"Yes."

"There're two ways; coverin' yerself in vinegar, three times a day, every day for the rest of your life, or use a relic that me mum keeps in the basement."

"How much vinegar do we have?"

"Not enough."

"Okay, get your mother on the phone; I am not going to tolerate prepubescent zombies on my battlefield!"

"Hey, where'd Medic 'n' Sniper go?" Demoman suddenly noticed the lack of arguments. He looked at where they were standing and there was a little slip of paper.

He picked it up and it read: "You were taking too long and I don't want Spy's condition to worsen. Plus I've got to examine Sniper now. Plus check on the rest of the team. It's sad really, I've had enough time to find this paper and pen AND write all of this down and you two haven't noticed. I'm in the medical wing if you need me.

-Medic"

***note that I created this, it is mine, you may use it if you want


	5. Magic Shoes and Glowy Rocks

~0~

Present

~0~

"So these… things… just started attacking you?" The person tapped its clipboard with its pen.

"Yeah, still don't know why." Tavish scratched his chin, "Same goes for a bunch a the other stuff. No reason for it ta happen."

"So this kind of thing was regular?"

"After the first few months, yeah. Each one got weirder and weirder though. The last few were the worst, I get ta them later."

"Take your time, I've got all day."

~0~

A week after the second attack

~0~

"Hey boyos! I got it!" Demoman rushed into the rec room with a large package.

Everybody looked up, in the past week there had been three more attacks, and it was starting to get tedious.

"Finally!" Soldier snatched the package away and ripped it open, revealing an old shoe.

"That's a shoe." Medic raised an eyebrow.

"Nope, it's a MAGIC shoe." Soldier grinned, "How does it work?"

"Depends, how much vinegar do we have?" Demo took the shoe back.

"About fifteen gallons." (Please note that there is no discernible reason for them to have so much vinegar)

"Perfect! I'll be busy for the next couple'a hours. I'll tell ya when it's ready." Demo walked off.

"We're doomed, aren't we?" Sniper sighed.

"I'd say we've got about a 10% chance of making it through this." Engineer went back to what he was doing.

"I like those odds!" Soldier announced.

~0~

A couple'a hours later

~0~

Everybody gathered atop the roof because Demo said the shoe would have better range from up there. The shoe was attached to a vat of vinegar and a wood chipper.

"What _exactly_ is this supposed to do?" Spy glared at Demo.

"Just watch!" He grinned as he flipped a switch.

The machine (if it could be called one) made some funny noises, and the wood chipper started up. After a couple of seconds the shoe began to glow an eerie green, and vinegar began spraying all over the place as a beam of light shooting from the shoe pierced the sky. After a bit, the beam stopped and the entire area smelled like pickles.

"Ha! It worked!" Demo clapped his hands together, "Those things won't attack anymore!"

"Good job private!" Soldier saluted him.

The rest of the team just stood there, dumbfounded. The sheer stupidity of that moment was horrifying. The team decided to go inside and shower instead of question it further.

~0~

Present

~0~

"That was… interesting…" The person chuckled a little, "Let's move on."

"Whatever ya say!"

~0~

Roughly a month after the previous events

~0~

It was just another day in Teufort, the smell of vinegar had nearly faded away, and the daily battle was raging. BLU team was in the lead by two points, and RED was barely staying alive.

"Well, today's going great…" Scout complained to Engie as he leaned against a dispenser.

"It'll get better… probably."

"Yeah, whatever ya say." Scout rolled his eyes as he sprinted off.

"Dang kid." Engie sighed as a blast, followed by a scream and a shower of body parts sounded. He then noticed a small light in a nearby sewage grate. He kneeled down to get a better look, but his Engie Senses (reference!) started going off, so he had to go cave in a Spy skull.

A little later, the Scout ran past the grate, and noticed the light. He lifted the grate up and jumped in, because that's what a smart person would do, and started looking around for the light. Once he found the source of the light he picked it up, a-hurr.

It was a small rock, about three inches in diameter, and it weighed about two pounds. It emitted some heat too.

"What is this thing?" Scout mused. Then the rock began glowing brightly and making a buzzing noise.

~0~

Surface

~0~

"That helmet's gonna make a nice bowl for yer brains!" Sniper shouted from a pile of crates. The battle was starting to go their way, and both teams were tied. Sniper then noticed the lack of an annoying little rodent known as Scout. "Hey, you seen Scout?" He called down to the Medic, who was busy healing the Pyro.

"Nein." He finished healing Pyro, and hopped up on top of the crates, "Not since he exploded."

"Not like 'im to disappear, that's Spy's job."

"Oh well," Medic shrugged, "We're winning, so it doesn't matter right now."

"Yeah." Sniper shot the BLU Heavy in the jugular, "I guess he'll just turn up eventually."

"So…" Medic shifted awkwardly.

"What?"

"I-" he was cut off by a grenade exploding nearby.

"Not the time for talkin'!" Their Demoman ran over, "We need yer help down there, doc."

"Ja, I'm coming." He sighed, and ran off into the battlefield; not a moment of peace out here…

~0~

After the battle

~0~

The battle had ended in a RED victory; they were able to pull ahead barely in the nick of time, thanks to a perfectly timed Ubercharge.

"Good going there doc."-'s and "Doktor is credit to team!"-'s went around that night. Medic really didn't care for the praise, but it still felt good to be appreciated.

Dinner was uncharacteristically quiet, the noise was no more than a roar. Something was missing.

"Hz nny wn sn Sct?" Pyro asked as it passed out dishes of ice-cream.

"Not since he exploded." Soldier said as he devoured his frozen dairy treat.

"You think respawn-" Heavy started.

"Nope, respawn's workin' just fine, they'd stop the battle if it wasn't." Engie cut him off.

"Unless he did somethin' to piss off you-know-who." Sniper said.

As if on cue, Scout walked by, perfectly normal, except he wasn't running or talking, and his eyes were blank.

"Hey! Where was leetle Scout today? You were not credit to team!" Heavy grabbed his shoulder.

"I was brushing my teeth, that is something humans do." He said as he escaped Heavy's grasp and walked off.

There was a little bit of silence until everyone went back to the deliciousness that is ice-cream, because nothing is more important than it.

~0~

4:00 AM

~0~

Medic, Sniper, and Heavy were the only ones who hadn't gone to bed, and were watching a movie. None of them could really sleep, so they just piled onto the couch and turned on the crappy TV. It was a romantic comedy about a workaholic, it was also really cheesy and they were only half paying attention to it. About halfway into it, Heavy left to go to bed, it bored him to sleep.

A quarter through the third act Sniper passed out on Medic's shoulder. Medic fell asleep shortly afterwards.

~0~

6:00 AM

~0~

"WAKE UP LADIES!" Soldier bellowed his daily morning call, and then played his bugle as loudly as physically possible.

Sniper reluctantly slipped into consciousness. Wait; was there something warm on top of him? He forced his eyes open, and discovered that Medic was curled up on his chest. He let out a scream, followed by Medic letting out one; this repeated a couple of times. It was very comedic.

Soldier poked his head into the rec room, "What are you maggots doing in here?"

"N-nothin'." Sniper put his hat on, covering his face. His ears were bright red.

"Yes, what he said." Medic tried his best to look aloof, but his flushed cheeks were making it hard.

"Yeah…" Sniper added hastily.

Soldier stared at them for a moment, and then cheerfully said: "Alright, battle's in three hours! We're going to give those BLU's what for today!"

Once he left, Sniper and Medic exchanged sideways glances to each other, and rushed off to get ready.


	6. I Have No Idea

It was just another day in Teufort. Oh wait, we're starting from the same point as the last chapter? Oh crap, just ignore this sentence then.

"Where the heck is Scout?" Soldier had woken everybody up and was taking roll.

"Brshng hz th?" Pyro suggested.

"I think he's in his room." Engineer said, "I'll go drag him out, probably got his head stuck in the air vent again."

~0~

Scout's Room

~0~

_KNOCK_

_KNOCK_

_KNOCK_

"You in there boy?" Engie called as he rapped on the door. Underneath it was a faint glowing light. The door creaked open and Scout peeked out. "What are you doing in there?"

"Preparing to wage battle against my sworn nemesis, who has been hiding on the planet for eons." It sounded like two people were talking at the same time, "Is exactly what I would not be doing, right now."

"Are you okay?" Engie was mildly concerned by his teammate's behavior, "You don't seem like yerself."

"I am fine; I shall be out in one quadru- I mean moment." Scout slammed the door.

"Hm." The Engineer shrugged his shoulders, and went back to preparing for the daily battle.

~0~

"_MISSION BEGINS IN ONE MINUTE!_" the Administrator called out over the intercom.

Both teams were standing in their Resupply, ready to destroy their enemies multiple times.

"So, I was just standing there, when out of nowhere…" Demoman was telling Soldier a story, when he was interrupted by Engie.

"I think Scout finally lost it." He smiled, "Said something about waging battle against his sworn nemesis."

"We do that every day." Sniper walked over.

"Yeah, but I didn't think Scout even knew half the words he said earlier."

"Good point."

"_MISSION BEGINS IN TEN SECONDS!_"

"Well, good luck ta ya." Demo walked over to the gate.

_10_

"You too." Engie grabbed his toolbox.

_9_

Scout walked over to the gate.

_8_

_7_

_6_

_5_

_4_

_3_

_2_

_1_

"GIVE 'EM HELL, BOYS!" Soldier called out as both teams rushed out of their bases towards the capture point.

Sniper scurried up to his nest, and looked over the battlefield. The BLU Sniper was missing and Scout was scurrying around looking for something. Demo and Soldier were laying waste to the enemy team while Medic was running around trying to keep everyone from dying. A BLU grenade was thrown at Sniper before he was able to get to the top, and he fell into a crate below, unseen by anyone.

At one point, the entirety of both teams, minus the Snipers, where on the capture point fighting. The Scout out of nowhere began floating in the air, and a wave of some sort of dust floated in the air around him, knocking both teams unconscious.

"WHERE ARE YOU!?" He yelled, looking over the sleeping mercenaries.

"I'm over here!" The BLU Sniper walked to the control point, he was holding a strange gun with little inscriptions on the sides.

"Finally! I've been in a sewer for almost 3 weeks waiting for one of these morons to be stupid enough to pick me up!" Scout's eyes began glowing.

"And that's the best you could do?"

"Unfortunately this body was the only one available. I almost got the one called Engineer."

"That's sad, I'm going to kill you now and get back to my mission."

"No, it is I who will be doing the killing."

Sniper recovered from being dropped into the crate, and walked over. "Um, why is everyone asleep?"

"Um…" Scout and BLU Sniper glanced at each other, "This is a normal occurrence." Scout announced.

"Yeah, there was a… leak?" he looked to Scout who shrugged.

"Anyway, we will now go back to what we were doing!" Scout punched the BLU Sniper in the face.

"Oh, you're going down!" the BLU Sniper wiped the blood from his nose.

There was a bit of a fight, but it was obvious that Scout was weaker, and the BLU Sniper quickly overpowered him.

"I now banish you to the deepest corners of space!" the BLU Sniper crushed the Scout's head under his foot, and sent him to respawn, but just before that, a small orb of light flew out of Scout's mouth, and shot up into the sky.

He had forgotten Sniper was standing there, and was shot in the head. While he and Scout were in respawn, Sniper captured the point and secured victory just as everyone regained consciousness.

~0~

Later at RED base

~0~

"How'd ye do it?" Demo drunkenly asked Sniper as he slapped him on the back.

"I… still don't know." Sniper was still a little confused from the whole experience, it was almost as bizarre as the time the Pyro tried to build an airplane out of popsicle sticks, and it actually worked until he set it on fire.

Medic walked in, he had been treating Scout, who was still injured. "Scout's recovering and he should be ready to fight tomorrow though. I still don't know what happened to him."

All eyes fell on Sniper, "Don't look at me. I already said that I have absolutely no idea what happened, and really _don't _want to know what happened."

"Whatever, we destroyed the BLU's and secured victory! Now we celebrate!" Soldier announced.

~0~

Present

~0~

"Wait, so you were unconscious, correct?" The person asked.

"Yep." Tavish responded.

"Then how did you know what happened?"

"I saw the security tapes when…" Tavish stopped himself, "Nope, not to that part yet."

"Okay, what happened next?"

"Ah, this is when things start taking a turn for the worse." Tavish leaned back in his seat.


	7. Poisoned

It was just another day in Teufort, bloody bits of people were raining down from the Heavens after a well placed sticky-bomb detonated. The BLU team was winning, and was, quite brutally, obliterating the REDs. The battle eventually ended in an embarrassing defeat for the REDs, who weren't totally there. Needless to say, the team pretty much avoided each other for the rest of the day.

Sniper had disappeared somewhere outside, Heavy was asleep on the couch, Pyro was drawing a picture of some sort of bubble-monster, Medic locked himself in the Medbay, Soldier was in his room, Engineer was in his workshop, Scout was off jogging, Demo was making some food in the kitchen, and Spy was off doing whatever a spy does.

Medic suddenly got this feeling, like something was wrong, and decided to investigate. He searched the base but nothing particularly bad was happening, besides Heavy's snoring, so he decided to look outside.

Scout wasn't dead, and Spy could escape if something bad happened. The only remaining person was Sniper, and Medic _really_ didn't want to see him, but it was his job to keep his team from dying, so he still went off to find him.

~0~

Medic eventually found Sniper, but not in a state Medic hoped to find him in. He was sprawled out in the shade of a rock, with a dart sticking out of his neck. He was unconscious and shivering with a really high fever. Medic immediately rushed over and focused the Medigun on him as he pulled the dart out. The tip was laced with a fine blue powder.

"Who's there?" Sniper grunted as the Medigun enveloped him in its healing rays.

"It's just me." Medic placed his hand on Sniper's shoulder. "Don't worry, you'll be fine."

"Who else?"

Medic looked around, "Nobody else is here."

"But I hear them." Sniper's heart began racing, and his chest was raising and lowering faster and faster.

"Calm down. There is nobody else here." Medic pulled him up onto his back and half-carried-half-dragged Sniper back to base.

Once they were safely in the Medbay, the Medic began diagnosis. He was certain whatever was plaguing his teammate came from whatever was on the dart. The problem was to figure out what exactly that powder was. It was a practical problem, so he needed someone who excelled in solving them.

… Do I even need to go on?

Engineer was just as puzzled when it came to the foreign substance, but was determined to figure it out.

Heavy walked in to see what the fuss was about, and was told to move Sniper from one bed to another, because the other was closer to the equipment. He went to move Sniper, and was greeted by a fist to the face. Sniper quickly jumped up and ran out, beating off anyone who tried to stop him. Eventually he disappeared into God-knows-where.

"We'll go after him, you keep working on that." Medic called to the Engineer as he ran in hot-pursuit of Sniper, dragging the Demo behind him.

Demo was surprised by the speed and stamina of the Medic, he could understand Sniper was going so fast because he was in a panic, but he had no idea that Medic was capable of moving so fast. It was actually quite impressive.

Eventually they came to a dead end and couldn't find Sniper.

"Dang…" Demoman was out of breath, "I didn't know ye could run that fast."

"Practice. Where'd he go?" Medic looked around frantically.

"I don't see what the big deal is, won't respawn fix 'im up?"

"No, respawn fixes injuries, not illness. That's why I'm here."

"Good thing ya told me that 'fore I did something stupid…"

"You're welcome. Did you see where he went?"

"No, I-AGHHHH!" Demo suddenly cried out. His head was snapped back by Sniper.

Sniper lunged for Medic, but was stopped by a syringe to the face. It was filled with a tranquillizer of sorts, and Sniper was now temporarily paralyzed, but conscious.

"Ugh, that was more difficult than it should've been." Medic grunted as he began dragging Sniper back to the Medbay.

"Doc, that you?" Sniper grunted, snapping out of his panic.

"Yes, dummkopf."

"What's going on?"

"You've been poisoned, we'll fix you soon, don't worry."

Sniper slipped out of consciousness, and awoke strapped to a bed in the Medbay. He started panicking again, attempting to attack anyone who came close. Well, less attacking, more biting. Long story short, Medic ended up strapping his head to the bed too.

The restraints kept him from moving, but caused him to panic even more. He started babbling incoherently, and screamed frequently.

"I've never seen anything like it doc, it targets the Amygdala and temporal lobe, and, in the words of Scout, causes them to go nuts." Engineer said as he worked over a microscope. "Whoever did this is a genius."

"Yes, but have you found anything to reverse it?"

"No, but maybe if ya'd stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off and helped me, we'd be able to finish faster."

"I-" Medic was cut off by the heart moniter starting to beep louder and louder. Sniper was struggling, trying to break out of the restraints. Medic gave him a shot of morphine, and he relaxed almost instantly.

"Said something 'bout voices, right?"

"Yes."

"Poor guy; must be horrifying."

Little was said for the rest of the night, Medic had passed out in a chair, and Engineer was steadily working on the poison. At about 4 AM, Sniper regained consciousness, and started freaking out. It was worse than the other times too, he nearly broke the restraints with his flailing. A little later, after some more morphine was administered, Engineer fell asleep, and all was quiet until about 8 o'clock in the morning.

It was Saturday, so nobody bothered waking up at the usual time. When everyone _did _wake up, they noticed a couple of things. 1; Sniper had broken out of the restraints. 2; There was a significant lack of weaponry.

Needless to say, the day was going to suck.


	8. Ms Gardner

A/N: Introducing a new character! The living plot device! Joking aside, you don't have to like her. I'll be moving and stuff soon, so this (and the next chapter) will be the last update for a while. Just thought I'd let you know before people start assuming I'm dead. Lastly, this story will have prequel and sequel stories. Well, more like a behind-the-scene-quel and sequel. Cya guys soon! ~Raven

P.S. I really like the ending of this chapter. Knowing me, that should probably scare you.

~0~

As if the day wasn't going bad enough already, RED sent over an inspector. Ms. Gardner was her name. She seemed to have a similar job as Miss Pauling, only she was older and meaner. She nitpicked at every little slight, and got really mad at the big ones; like the lack of a team member for instance.

"And exactly where is he?" her voice was dripping with hatred.

"Look, we can discuss all of this later, but now we _really _need to find him before he hurts himself." Medic said as politely as possible.

"We can 'discuss all of this' now." She stood toe-to-toe with the Medic, looking him straight in the eyes. "I have been given an assignment, and I will complete it. Do I make myself clear?"

They stood there for a while, having some sort of glare battle. Someone's head would probably explode if they stepped in between them.

"Fine, we'll explain while we look for him." Medic finally said, trying to be the bigger person.

"Good boy, now let's go retrieve your missing toy." She patted him on the head. Medic looked like he was about to explode, or implode, or both.

~0~

Present

~0~

"Y'know, looking back, it's probably a _really _good thing the Sniper was on our side for as long as he was." Tavish smirked a bit.

"Why's that?"

"You can only push a man so far before he snaps, and he was pushed over the edge, jerked back up, and shoved over it again multiple times. For a while there; everything that could go wrong for him went horribly, and disturbingly, wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself; I'll get to that later. Where were we?"

"Ms. Gardner."

"Ah yes…"

~0~

About an hour into the search

~0~

Scout and Engineer were off looking in the desert near the western side of the battlefield, they had jumped at the opportunity to split up as soon as Ms. Gardner had begun complaining. Luckily it was late November, so it wasn't hot, in fact, it was actually kinda frigid.

"That lady gives me the creeps." Scout said all of a sudden.

"What do you mean?"

"Somethin' 'bout her ain't right. Just got this weird feelin', y'know?"

Engineer was surprised by this, not because it hadn't occurred to him already, but because it was Scout who said it.

"Ugh! How far could he have gone?! I thought he was sick or somethin'!" Scout groaned as they reached a highway.

"Poisoned." Engineer corrected.

"That just proves my point even more!"

"Doesn't matter, yer right though; no one in his condition would make it this far. Probably hiding out somewhere familiar..."

"Like the barracks, or that nasty old van he keeps in the garage?"

"…Yeah." Engineer was honestly surprised that this hadn't occurred to him yet. Apparently Scout had a couple more brain cells than everyone gave him credit for.

"Well, I'm gonna go check, cya later, Hardhat!" Scout said as he bolted off.

~0~

Roughly twenty minutes later, give or take

~0~

Everyone had regrouped after a while near the resupply. Nobody had found him, but Scout wasn't there, so maybe he found him. Then, out of nowhere Scout respawned.

"Found 'im." He said, rubbing the back of his head. "He's in the barracks. I'm gonna go take a nap; tell me how it works out."

As Scout walked off, everyone ran to the barracks. When they got there, the Soldier was shot in the face immediately.

After a bit of a struggle, they managed to subdue him. It was painfully over-complicated to say the least, but they figured it out and won that round. Then everyone noticed the lack of annoying. Note that that annoyance wasn't Scout.

It was decided that Medic, Engineer and Demoman would go to the Medbay and lab with the unconscious, poisoned, delusional Sniper. While the rest go look for Ms. Gardner. Nobody was thrilled to do this, because searching for something sounds pretty fun at first, but once you do it several times it gets annoying.

~0~

Lab

~0~

"Y'know, back home things were simpler. I just hunted down monsters. Granted that I never succeeded, but it was simple." Demoman was leaning in a chair near a window. "I never had to chase down poisoned nut-jobs. I never had to fight _actual_ monsters. And I sure never had to deal with the likes of you people."

"So… you _don't_ like it here?" Engineer was half-listening to him while he worked.

"Oh, no. I **love **it here! Where else are you allowed to handle weaponry while drunk?"

"Hm."

"What is it?"

"From what I can tell, this stuff will wear out in a couple'a days. We just gotta keep 'im from doin' anything stupid until then." Engineer lifted his hat and wiped his brow. "It's incomplete; whoever did this would have to administer another dose in the next two hours for it to take any effect."

"That's oddly specific…"

"Yeah, but this place seems to attract all things weird, so it really doesn't surprise me anymore."

"Speaking of specifics, do you think that it's kinda bizarre that angry lady showed up today?"

"Sorta."

"Didn't she say somethin' 'bout completing a job too?"

"Yeah."

"And didn't you just say that someone needed to give 'im a second dose?"

"Yeah."

"Seems too specific to be a coincidence…"

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure, twenty bucks says the angry lady's trying to kill Sniper."

"Deal." Engineer said as he shook Engineer's hand.

Just then, Medic burst into the Lab from the Medbay, and yelled: "Help! Ms. Gardner is trying to kill ze Sniper!" Then grabbed a syringe gun from a table near the door and ran off.

Demoman grinned at Engineer.

"Fine…" He pulled out a wad of fives and handed it to him.

"Good, now let's go!" He smiled as he grabbed his grenade launcher.

~0~

Medbay, just outside the door, in fact this transition thingy isn't necessary now that I think about it

~0~

Demoman and Engineer ran outside, and were honestly surprised by the large mech being wielded by the physical manifestation of the word 'douche'. To be frank; this probably wasn't the strangest thing to happen to them, but it was at least in the top ten.

The battle was epic, so epic that one couldn't go into great detail, because their heads would explode. Epic story short, the mech exploded into a beautiful fireball, and Ms. Gardner was shot across the battlefield. She lived, and got away relatively unharmed, but nobody really cared, because they were so blown away by the amazing-ness of the battle. That, and they aren't known for their attention to minor details.

Turned out the poison would wear off soon, and everything would turn out pretty good for once. Needless to say, many sandviches and bottles of beer were had that night.

~0~

Somewhere in the desert

~0~

Ms. Gardner pulled herself through the desert, leaving a small trail in the sand behind her. The sky was crystal clear, and several ear-nipping gusts of wind flew through, moving some loose grains of sand around.

She had made some good progress, and was a couple of miles away from the battlefield, but she was tired, hungry, thirsty, and cold, and probably wasn't going to make it any further. Luckily a helicopter belonging to TF Industries landed nearby. Ms. Gardner's heart leapt as the door opened, but stopped as soon as she saw who was inside.

The Administrator stepped out, and walked over to Ms. Gardner.

"You were supposed to pick him off quickly." She said as she glared down at her as if she was a bit of lint that you find on your shirt.

"I'm sorry! Give me another chance, please!" Ms. Gardner croaked.

"It was supposed to be silent, and precise, but you had to get theatrical."

"I'm sorry!" tears began streaming down her face.

"You know that we do not tolerate failure, the whole balance of this operation could be compromised."

"Please… No!" Ms. Gardner was sobbing.

"You signed a contract Ms. Gardner." She raised her hand and a couple of men with shotguns came out of the helicopter. Once they were on either side of Ms. Gardner, the Administrator raised her hand.

"N-no!"

The Administrator pulled her hand into a fist, and both the men opened fire on Ms. Gardner, once they were done all that was left of her was a little pile of red mush. The Administrator walked back into the helicopter, the two men following behind her.

"Miss Pauling." she turned to the young woman who was sitting on a bench inside the helicopter.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Cancel my appointments for tomorrow; I've got to work on something."


	9. The Fourth Wall

A/N- This chapter was extremely hard for me to write… For the record the 'prequel' will involve loads of back-stories and other miscellaneous shenanigans which I couldn't fit into this story, and the sequel? That's a surprise (I've actually foreshadowed some of it a few times actually)! Be afraid, be very afraid… ~Raven

P.S. If you can guess which movie I'm referencing in a part of this chapter, you get +100 points.

~0~

It had begun snowing heavily outside around midnight. Sniper's condition had gotten significantly better, but he still wasn't in his right mind yet. Medic was sleeping at his desk.

"Hey… Hey, Medic." Sniper poked him repeatedly until he woke up.

"Vhat is it?" He lifted his head up from his desk; a piece of paper was stuck to his cheek.

"It's all white and weird outside."

"Yes, and?"

"Fix it."

"I cannot fix zhe weather."

"What weather?"

"Ugh, listen; it's snowing. I cannot 'fix' the snow, just go to sleep."

"Fine." Sniper said as Medic slipped back into unconsciousness.

~0~

Medic woke with a start; Archimedes was pecking at his head. He quickly noticed Sniper had disappeared… again. It really wasn't surprising anymore. He knew something utterly stupid, not well thought-out, and possibly character-developing, was about to happen and would probably be resolved rather quickly with little to no repercussions. That's how things usually worked around RED Team. Before moving on, he paused briefly to ponder whether or not the BLU Team had this problem.

Probably not.

~0~

Engineer was up late in the kitchen, he'd just reached a sort-of enlightenment while getting a snack. Luckily the Heavy was there so it could be revealed verbally.

"It's like my sole reason for being here is to point stuff out. It's like we're in a bad book or something and I'm just here to figure out when something's not right." Engineer said.

Heavy, not known for being the smartest of gentlemen, didn't understand.

"If we were really in a book, I'd only be around to point out the flaws or changes because the author was too lazy to establish things earlier."

"You think too much, go rest." Heavy pushed him towards the bedrooms. "I am going to check on Doktor and Sniper."

Engineer, feeling as if Heavy didn't hear anything he just said, walked to his room. Once he was inside, there was a flash of light, and a girl in baggy pajama pants and a tank top appeared. She went over, slapped him and said: "Stay away from the fourth wall! If you do that; I'll give you your own arc in the sequel and remove you from the plot-device category."

Not knowing what to think of this, he just agreed.

"Good. Oh by the way, if you want to know anything about the future, now would probably be a good time to ask. The fourth wall will be rebuilt any time now and I'll be booted back to my living room."

"Okay… What's going to happen in the... 'sequel'?"

"All I can say is; the future will come quicker than expected.

"I don't understand…"

"Of course you don't, I'm speaking in riddles, that's kind of the point. Like a clue that'll make you go: Oh that's what she meant; The future!"

"Anything else important?"

"Try not to get mixed up in anything involving romance; it'll get really confusing really fast. Oh, and try and avoid Sniper when possible. You'll probably live to see the end of this thing if you do that."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it. Oh fourth wall's-" and there was another flash of light, and I- she disappeared.

Engineer then went to bed, pretending as if none of that had ever happened.


End file.
